Sunday, June 20, 2004
So I just went for a drive, no one seemed to want to join me so I drove by myself. At one point in time I stopped in a parking lot and just thought to myself, now be forewarned that my mood is very dark. SO I was sitting there thinking, If I got in a car accident and was badly hurt, what would I do? Who would I call? The answers I gave myself kinda surprised me, yet they didnt. First I think I would call 911 (for obvious reasons) then I would try home. Chances are that at 12 at night my parents would sleep through the phone. If that were the case I would call sheila... That is where my answer kind of surprised me. I was sitting there thinking, why would I call her next, when she basically hates me at the moment. Then the answer came to me... She only hates me for the day, when down the road there are more important things than one's pride. I would clal her because I would want to tell her one last time that I loved her, and actaully thank her for making me feal loved and... wanted for so long. I would also entrust her with a mission of ut most importance. To go to my fmaily and tell them that I love them also... Well that and to wake up my parents. I really didnt get much farther in that scenario of life. I really hope I wont get in one, yet at the same time I wonder who would come visit me in the hospital. Besides family I can only think of 4 maybe 5 people who would definitly come visit.
Strange things come to my mind when I am upset, and second guessing myself alot. I mean in a strange way I was hoping ot get in a car accident, but I really don't want to be in one... that was just stupid thinking.
Okay, now I stopped in the parking lot to think, and when that was done I started to head home. I see that the police have the off ramp from RT 9 blocked so I cant get off there. So I figure there just doign soem night work around the bridge and go to throckmorton the other way to see if they would let me pass to get home. Well I come up from there and see that they arent working on the bridge, but the area is covered with ambulences, Fire Trucks, Police from freehold township and boro. I then see at least one totaled car in a ditch, and what looked like firemen trying to cut someone out of a car. My heart automatically feals for that person and there family. THen I think, if I didnt stop and think at BN, could that of been me? THe timish seemed right. I was sitting hte the parking lot for 15, 20 mins. I wonder if someone else had to go through what I was wondering about. I realize now that my problems are some small when compared to shit people have to go through everyday of there lives. I mean, I sit and wonder sometimes how some of my family deals with everyday after the loss of there child, or grandchild? I wonder how my cousins deal with everyday when they wake up and ther other brother is not there. I just cant imagine dealing with it.
On a totally differnt note, I started typing this outside on my deck. First the airconditoner kicking on scared the hell out of me, and then a lot of strange noises... So I got freaked out and now I am inside on the couch.
So I have to say something to people important out there. To all of my friend, you are all important to me, and I would do anything to help any of you. Regardless of how we might be getting along at the time, I will always be there to help.
To sheila, for the past 4 (?) years that I have known you I have seen you change. From a little freshman to a graduate. In this time you have grown up as a person. In a physical way you have become much prettier than that first night we hung out. Yet, I still remember that first night vividly. I also remember the getting caught by the cop, but I wont get into that here... Anyway, I hope in some ways I have helped you grow as a person in a positive light. I always tried to be there for you regardless of the situation. I always tried to help you with school work, even though more often than not I failed miserable at doing that. I always felt proud of you when you came home and had good grades. I know our relationship started out a little shaky in some ways because around people I new I acted like a prick and didnt act like we were dating. I soon got over that once I consciously realized I was doing it and how it hurt you and I think things picked up from there. Everyday from then on I fell more for you, and soon I started to try to make you happy. I guess thats where I go wrong, I shouldnt try to make people happy. You were always more happy with me just being me and not trying anything. Anyway I am getting off track with this so I will end the Sheila section here... Sheila I want to publicly apologize for leaving your graduation party early today. I know you think it is becasue I had a date, but that is not true. I left just becasue I feel awkward around you now that we are not together. When I look at you I get such a jumble of mixed emotions that I get lost. Overall I want to just pull you close to me and hold you. I see your hands and I just wnat to hold them. I see your mouth and I want to kiss you. That is how I feal right now, and that is why I feal awkward around you. I just dont no how to feal or act or anything! It will just take me some time to get through this and if you really want to be my friend you will have to bear with me.
(I am fealing very sentamental at the moment, so dont mind me)
To 'the boys' as we were once known. For those that dont no, that is Matt, John and Gerry... You guys are my best friends and have been since middle school. you guys have been like brothers to me and I couldnt ask for better friends. Thanks for being there for me whenever I asked, and I will always be there for you guys. *gives hug* Its not a long post, but I can be short sweet and to the point about you guys...
So with that I am going to end this gigantic post. I actually feal better that I have written it, and I feal that I have gotten alot off of my chest. Some things in life just make you sit and think, and this is one of those times for me. I now just have to plot a long term plan for myself out and do everything I can to reach that goal. With that PEACE OUT !
(this was only around 1255 words!)
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Strange things come to my mind when I am upset, and second guessing myself alot. I mean in a strange way I was hoping ot get in a car accident, but I really don't want to be in one... that was just stupid thinking.
Okay, now I stopped in the parking lot to think, and when that was done I started to head home. I see that the police have the off ramp from RT 9 blocked so I cant get off there. So I figure there just doign soem night work around the bridge and go to throckmorton the other way to see if they would let me pass to get home. Well I come up from there and see that they arent working on the bridge, but the area is covered with ambulences, Fire Trucks, Police from freehold township and boro. I then see at least one totaled car in a ditch, and what looked like firemen trying to cut someone out of a car. My heart automatically feals for that person and there family. THen I think, if I didnt stop and think at BN, could that of been me? THe timish seemed right. I was sitting hte the parking lot for 15, 20 mins. I wonder if someone else had to go through what I was wondering about. I realize now that my problems are some small when compared to shit people have to go through everyday of there lives. I mean, I sit and wonder sometimes how some of my family deals with everyday after the loss of there child, or grandchild? I wonder how my cousins deal with everyday when they wake up and ther other brother is not there. I just cant imagine dealing with it.
On a totally differnt note, I started typing this outside on my deck. First the airconditoner kicking on scared the hell out of me, and then a lot of strange noises... So I got freaked out and now I am inside on the couch.
So I have to say something to people important out there. To all of my friend, you are all important to me, and I would do anything to help any of you. Regardless of how we might be getting along at the time, I will always be there to help.
To sheila, for the past 4 (?) years that I have known you I have seen you change. From a little freshman to a graduate. In this time you have grown up as a person. In a physical way you have become much prettier than that first night we hung out. Yet, I still remember that first night vividly. I also remember the getting caught by the cop, but I wont get into that here... Anyway, I hope in some ways I have helped you grow as a person in a positive light. I always tried to be there for you regardless of the situation. I always tried to help you with school work, even though more often than not I failed miserable at doing that. I always felt proud of you when you came home and had good grades. I know our relationship started out a little shaky in some ways because around people I new I acted like a prick and didnt act like we were dating. I soon got over that once I consciously realized I was doing it and how it hurt you and I think things picked up from there. Everyday from then on I fell more for you, and soon I started to try to make you happy. I guess thats where I go wrong, I shouldnt try to make people happy. You were always more happy with me just being me and not trying anything. Anyway I am getting off track with this so I will end the Sheila section here... Sheila I want to publicly apologize for leaving your graduation party early today. I know you think it is becasue I had a date, but that is not true. I left just becasue I feel awkward around you now that we are not together. When I look at you I get such a jumble of mixed emotions that I get lost. Overall I want to just pull you close to me and hold you. I see your hands and I just wnat to hold them. I see your mouth and I want to kiss you. That is how I feal right now, and that is why I feal awkward around you. I just dont no how to feal or act or anything! It will just take me some time to get through this and if you really want to be my friend you will have to bear with me.
(I am fealing very sentamental at the moment, so dont mind me)
To 'the boys' as we were once known. For those that dont no, that is Matt, John and Gerry... You guys are my best friends and have been since middle school. you guys have been like brothers to me and I couldnt ask for better friends. Thanks for being there for me whenever I asked, and I will always be there for you guys. *gives hug* Its not a long post, but I can be short sweet and to the point about you guys...
So with that I am going to end this gigantic post. I actually feal better that I have written it, and I feal that I have gotten alot off of my chest. Some things in life just make you sit and think, and this is one of those times for me. I now just have to plot a long term plan for myself out and do everything I can to reach that goal. With that PEACE OUT !
(this was only around 1255 words!)
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