Saturday, June 12, 2004
I feal lonely, and I hate it. I am surprised about how upset I am getting lately, about how depressed I feal. I know part of it is because sheila and I broke up and the other part is that I feal I dont really have anyone to turn to. I have John, but our schedules usally clash and the time we are together its spent excercising. I actaully look forward to that (well not 5 sets of everything that just gets me tired). Besides that I feal I really have no one lately. I have had alot of time to myself and that has just pushed me into a depressed state. I am trying not to be in it, and I am tryign to get out but its just not working out for me. Either everyone is busy, or those who say they can hang out just forget... I think thats the biggest part right now of my upset state, I dont really have someone to turn to.
When dealing with sheila there are instances where talking to her is a doubl edged sword. If something is botherign me and I dont tell her she gets upset with me, and if I do tell her she gets defensive and then mad at me for thinking that way. So I try to act like nothing is botherign me, but when I do that I feal my stomach churn and that all to familiar fealing of bile rising in my stomach. I would LOVE to be able to tell her exactly how I feal, to be able to tell her what bothers me and to be able to tell her whatever it is I need to say, but I cant. So that is something I have to deal with, and I will.
Then there are those people that claim they are my friends. Who are always ready to listen and say they are there for me whenever I need them... But they are NEVER there for me in the manner I need the most. Which is companion ship. These people are more than happy to talk to me in this text format, but when it actually comes to verbal and physical contact they run away with a lame fuckign excuse everytime. It is very hard for me to consider someone a friend whom for years have always had lame excuses when I have asked them to hang out, or have said that they have to see what there doing. I would prefer people just to be upfront and honest with me. If you dont want to hang out with me tell me so. Just come straight out and tell me that you dont want to hang out with me and that you dont want anything to do with me beyond cyber space. It will make things alot fucking easier for me and put things in there place. I am just tired of hearing all the fuckign excuses.
What I need most from people right now I havent been getting. I have needed someplace to go, and people to talk to. I have needed simple human fucking contact. I would like if some girl I was friends with would actually express an interest in hanging out with me. MAybe show up while I am working out of the blue and give me a hug. Hey maybe one of my readers that I am not really friends with but I no will do it. I know what I dont want though. I dont want someone doing it out of pity. I dont want someone hanging out with me because I have managed to guilt them into it. I do not want to be responsible for someone else having a bad night, or a night where they didnt have fun. I know I am not the most interesting person to hang out with. I no I never no what to do. Yes I am more than happy to sit there and watch a movie with someone (the only time I get bothered doing that is if they fall asleep EVERYTIME). I know that my idea of a good time can be somethign as simple as sitting around outside someplace just enjoying a nice night. I enjoy going to the beach and going for a walk. I think there are some people who find me shallow because I dont drink or even have a desire to do any of that crap. You no what? I dont give a flying fuck. If you have to drink in order to have a good time then I dont want to hang out with you anyway.
As for Sheila and I, it is hard to say how our friendship will turn out. It is hard for me to make the transition that seems like she made so easily. For the almost 4 years that I have known her we have been... intimate (sp?). Its hard for me to go from one extream to another. To me it seems like she is not even remotly upset that we broke up. I really dont no if she is. Since she was unhappy with me I will guess that she isnt upset. But she also has a few friends to turn to. That probable also makes things much easier. Having someone to turn to and help take your mind off of things will do that. I just wish I was so lucky as to have that at the moment.
And i might be repeating myself here but I want to make sure I have one thing clear. I do not want ANYONE to hang out with me UNLESS they actualyl want to. If you DO NOT want to hang out with me then dont. I DO NOT want to guilt someone into hanging out with me becasue then regardless they will have a bad time. That bad time will then rub off on me and it will make it a worse night than I would of had sitting home in my own misery. I worry enough as it is when I hang out with someone on whether or not they enjoyed themselves.
On a side and totally unrelated note... My cousin lisa is getting married later today, saturday June 12th of the year 2004. I wish her the best of luck with that. I wont let my depressed state get in the way of enjoying the biggest (most liekly) event in her life.
Okay I am dont typing! I am sure many of you are happy with that, But this was only about 1100 words. So it isnt that much! BYE!
Scott
Oh yea one last thing. THere are those people who fit in the middle and I dotn want them to think that they are not there for me. If you have quesions on how I see you just ask me and I will be honest with everyone. Thats my new policy. I will be brutally honest with people, and not pull my punches. Well at least I will try to be.
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When dealing with sheila there are instances where talking to her is a doubl edged sword. If something is botherign me and I dont tell her she gets upset with me, and if I do tell her she gets defensive and then mad at me for thinking that way. So I try to act like nothing is botherign me, but when I do that I feal my stomach churn and that all to familiar fealing of bile rising in my stomach. I would LOVE to be able to tell her exactly how I feal, to be able to tell her what bothers me and to be able to tell her whatever it is I need to say, but I cant. So that is something I have to deal with, and I will.
Then there are those people that claim they are my friends. Who are always ready to listen and say they are there for me whenever I need them... But they are NEVER there for me in the manner I need the most. Which is companion ship. These people are more than happy to talk to me in this text format, but when it actually comes to verbal and physical contact they run away with a lame fuckign excuse everytime. It is very hard for me to consider someone a friend whom for years have always had lame excuses when I have asked them to hang out, or have said that they have to see what there doing. I would prefer people just to be upfront and honest with me. If you dont want to hang out with me tell me so. Just come straight out and tell me that you dont want to hang out with me and that you dont want anything to do with me beyond cyber space. It will make things alot fucking easier for me and put things in there place. I am just tired of hearing all the fuckign excuses.
What I need most from people right now I havent been getting. I have needed someplace to go, and people to talk to. I have needed simple human fucking contact. I would like if some girl I was friends with would actually express an interest in hanging out with me. MAybe show up while I am working out of the blue and give me a hug. Hey maybe one of my readers that I am not really friends with but I no will do it. I know what I dont want though. I dont want someone doing it out of pity. I dont want someone hanging out with me because I have managed to guilt them into it. I do not want to be responsible for someone else having a bad night, or a night where they didnt have fun. I know I am not the most interesting person to hang out with. I no I never no what to do. Yes I am more than happy to sit there and watch a movie with someone (the only time I get bothered doing that is if they fall asleep EVERYTIME). I know that my idea of a good time can be somethign as simple as sitting around outside someplace just enjoying a nice night. I enjoy going to the beach and going for a walk. I think there are some people who find me shallow because I dont drink or even have a desire to do any of that crap. You no what? I dont give a flying fuck. If you have to drink in order to have a good time then I dont want to hang out with you anyway.
As for Sheila and I, it is hard to say how our friendship will turn out. It is hard for me to make the transition that seems like she made so easily. For the almost 4 years that I have known her we have been... intimate (sp?). Its hard for me to go from one extream to another. To me it seems like she is not even remotly upset that we broke up. I really dont no if she is. Since she was unhappy with me I will guess that she isnt upset. But she also has a few friends to turn to. That probable also makes things much easier. Having someone to turn to and help take your mind off of things will do that. I just wish I was so lucky as to have that at the moment.
And i might be repeating myself here but I want to make sure I have one thing clear. I do not want ANYONE to hang out with me UNLESS they actualyl want to. If you DO NOT want to hang out with me then dont. I DO NOT want to guilt someone into hanging out with me becasue then regardless they will have a bad time. That bad time will then rub off on me and it will make it a worse night than I would of had sitting home in my own misery. I worry enough as it is when I hang out with someone on whether or not they enjoyed themselves.
On a side and totally unrelated note... My cousin lisa is getting married later today, saturday June 12th of the year 2004. I wish her the best of luck with that. I wont let my depressed state get in the way of enjoying the biggest (most liekly) event in her life.
Okay I am dont typing! I am sure many of you are happy with that, But this was only about 1100 words. So it isnt that much! BYE!
Scott
Oh yea one last thing. THere are those people who fit in the middle and I dotn want them to think that they are not there for me. If you have quesions on how I see you just ask me and I will be honest with everyone. Thats my new policy. I will be brutally honest with people, and not pull my punches. Well at least I will try to be.
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